How are things with you? The importance of self-talk
Not everyone has an inner monologue, but everyone has an opinion or perception of themselves. Self-perception is far from immune to change, how we view ourselves can vary dramatically depending on who we are with, what we are doing, and countless other variables. However, there is one consistent factor in the mix – how we speak to, or think about, ourselves. A view of ourselves that is realistic, balanced, and warm can be immensely valuable when it comes to navigating difficult situations and times of stress, but, when time is an increasingly scarce resource our relationship with ourselves can often take a backseat.
Indeed, how you feel about yourself, and as a result, how you speak to yourself, can often pass completely under the radar – having a significant, yet quiet, impact on how we move through life. It’s not until we take the opportunity to stop and assess, that we can begin to question the collection of beliefs and assumptions about ourselves that have built up over a lifetime.
The idea of being disconnected from the relationship that we have with ourselves may seem unlikely; after all, how can it be possible to not be tuned into this when you are always with yourself? Often, once the decision has been made to pay more attention to our emotions and self-talk, people can be very surprised by both how much they are “speaking” to themselves over the course of an average day, and often, by how critical they can be!
How is it possible that this form of internal commentary could be happening, and influencing how we operate, without our full awareness? The answer lies in the concept of Automatic Thoughts.
Much like walking, or talking, behaviours that are repeated over and over again eventually become automatic meaning that they have become so well learned that they can happen without any conscious decision, or effort, on our part. This is an extremely efficient time and effort saving technique that allows us to reserve our mental bandwidth for more unusual or difficult tasks that require more input; however, anyone who has developed bad driving habits that they can’t seem to shake, will know that sometimes auto pilot is not the most beneficial mode to be in!
Much like these behaviours that happen without any conscious effort on our part, so too can thoughts come to mind instantaneously and automatically, without us pausing and reflecting. The more that these thoughts are practiced, and not questioned, the more likely it is that they will pop up again. When it comes to thinking about ourselves, there can be a lot of opportunities for automatic thoughts to build strength.
“No one here really likes me”, “I always make conversations feel awkward”, “If I don’t succeed here, nothing will ever work out for me”
Can you imagine how shocking, and how hurtful, the above statements might feel if they came from a friend?
“No one here really likes you”, “You always make conversations feel awkward”, “If you don’t succeed here, nothing will ever work out for you”.
If harsh judgments such as these were to come from someone else, we would certainly take notice, and hopefully, question what is being said, so how can we learn to stop and question our own self commentary? An excellent way to start tuning into these automatic thoughts, and understand their impact, is to begin paying close attention to the emotions which walk hand in hand with our thoughts.
Take Lucy for example, an office worker who receives a request one morning to make herself available for a “quick chat” with her boss. After opening her boss’ message, she experiences rising feelings of anxiety and guilt.
Lucy pauses, and takes a moment to ask herself what thoughts were running through her mind before she was hit by this wave of unpleasant emotion, and she realizes that her thoughts had been quite stressful, and self-focused, with recurring themes such as “you’re definitely in trouble” and “he must have realized how bad you are at your job”.
Once she has identified these emotion triggering thoughts, Lucy can question them. After assessing how accurate these thoughts might be, she realizes that there are many potential reasons why her boss might want to speak with her, and some of them are very positive! She also recognizes that she has been assuming what her boss thinks about her, but there is no evidence to support this, as she has never received poor feedback.
After taking a few minutes to notice, and question, these thoughts, Lucy notices that she is feeling significantly less fearful and anxious about her upcoming call. Over the following months, Lucy continues to reflect on how she is feeling about work and develops a much more balanced view. There is lots that she would like to learn and improve on, but she now feels secure in her role. Lucy recognises that she had been experiencing imposter syndrome that was fuelled by her tendency to ignore what was going well at work, and her very harsh self-talk.
When we put this same technique into practice consistently, it can help us to learn more about the perceptions we have of ourselves, and how we believe others see us, as well as building up the ability to question these often-unhelpful thoughts. Noticing, or being mindful of, our self-talk can sometimes feel uncomfortable initially but pays dividends in its ability to promote self-regulation and improve self-esteem. As a therapist, I especially love to hear when my clients have “caught” themselves speaking to themselves with warmth and kindness, and when it comes to drowning out an internal critic – practice makes perfect!
